the real drama queen

I wanna be ok, but I don’t know how…
Liquors, Cigarettes and pills, what else do I have to take just to stop this fucking dilemma in my mind and heart or in my life…
Shit, been two weeks since that news but i’m still under this freaking damn situation, everyone is moving on with their lives , but me, i’m stuck in this rigor…

fuck, i wanna die to be honest, i just don’t know how, may takot pa rin naman ako sa diyos… kelangan ko ng magsimba ulit, para mabawasan to, waaaaaahhhhhhh

I don,t know what to say anymore, di ko alam!!!!

Go on girl by ne-yo is playing on my mind, paulit-ulit, nakaka addict…

I don’t know what does it mean, wala namang connection sa buhay ko…

At ang isa pa, Mr. brightside ng the killers, potah naman kasi si Edzy, pinarinig sakin, pinagawayan pa namin yang Mr. brightside na yan…

Shit shit shit… di ko na alam,

am I that fool para maging ganito, di ko na lam iisipin ko, sana di na lang ako magising pagka inom ko ng sleeping pills, matulad na lang ako kay Heath Ledger, tutal wala naman akong maiiwan na anak si katulad nya…

Oh my God, don’t know what to think na, don’t know what to do, I wanna write and write kahit non-sense na, gusto ko maglabas ng nasa loob ko, hindi ko na alam kung pano, even don’t know what’s that… para na kong mababaliw ( sana parang tae lang na isang pasukan sa CR ok na)…

Sana may magbulong sakin na "OK lang yan, kaya mo yan"… pero wala \, kahit anong payo ni edzy wala akong naiintindihan, basta masakit yon lang, pero sakit na parang manhid na parang tanga lang… Hindi ko na nga alam pano ko magsisimula ulit, ni hindi ko na alam pano ko sisimulan na naman ang diet ko, napapagod na utak ko, pero para syang electric fan, hangin lang ang nilalabas, wala ng iba…

badtrip talaga!

This is exactly what i’m feeling! I’m back to being numb, that i was glad i thought i’ve overcome,

This is a silverstein’s song “bleeds no more”

My heart bleeds no more; now, it’s been turned to stone. your stomach
feels sick for someone else. I’ve broken both my legs falling for you.
drag me on the ground. powerless I stand, tarnished blade, cutting
through, pushed into my vein. blood still stains my hands. sharpening
my sense of pain outside, my heart bleeds no more. killing everything
off inside. make sense of everything you tried to hide, hide from me.
my heart bleeds no more; now, it’s been turned to stone. my stomach
feels sore from cutting up. I ruined all my sanctity for you. smash me
on the ground. I wanted to convince myself there’s nothing else to do.
I wanted to. provide you with proof of what you put me through. I
wanted to. pretend that I was you. killing everything off inside. make
sense of everything you tried to hide, hide from me. my heart bleeds no
more; now, it’s been turned to stone. your stomach feels sick for
someone else. I’ve broken both my legs falling for you. smash me on the
ground.

I was glad that you came back but you ruined my life more, you just gave me more pain, gave me more reason to blame myself for being alive… Now, i’m here back to my old damn self, full of regrets, how i wished I did end this years ago, when I had a chance…

this one is “Friends in fallriver”

Your life lives half a nation away, my heart hurts so. I believe
letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. What did I do? Alone
and confused. What can I say? What can I do? I’m heading the wrong way
home. Knowing alone is alone. It’s just too difficult to be just me
instead of we. What did I do? Alone and confused. What can I say?
Nothing. I don’t know where to begin since you left me for her. I don’t
know where to begin and you left me for her. I don’t want to start
again, and I can’t be your friend. I don’t know where to begin since
you left me for her.

now, what you want me to do? Just be friends with you… I want you to realized how hard it is for me to accept it,but i have no choice, i love you so much that I can shallow every painful moment everytime you’re together… Everytime you’re showing how important she is to you, i have to smile,
a maven smile like a great feigner can do, though it’s tantamount to dying,
accepting it is the best way I can do, coz’ i don’t wanna see you far away from me coz’ your presence is the  only thing that will make me happy…

i know it’s a damn fool move, but, that’s the best I can do… I can’t let you get away from me…

Hindi ko talaga alam ang gagawin ko, Blanko talaga utak ko… Di ko alam kung ano iisipin, natatakot ako sa mga susunod na mangyayari… Kelangan ko magisip mag isa, sa sarili ko, sa buhay ko, sa mga gagawin ko… Nabuo na yun plano ko dati, aayusin ko na lahat ng kelangan ayusin pero parang nasira na naman, nawalan na naman ako ng gana…

Pero di ako dapat paapekto, basta di muna siguro ako magpaparamdam, di muna ko sasama sa inuman, di muna ako magpapakita, kung kelangan para lang mahanap ko sarili ko, para lang maliwanagan naman tong utak ko…

Ang saya saya ng birthday ko, kaya minsan natatakot akong maging masaya ng sobra tapos masakit yun kasunod…

Pero I’m trusting God, will nya to, alam kong may plano sya, magpray na lang ako lagi…

Hindi lang naman sa dahil mabait sya kaya ko sya gusto…
three years ago pa naman kami ganito, gusto ko na kasi sya dati, and super close na talaga kami dati, kung di nga lang sa kagagahan ko na di sya pansinin e di sana di kami nawalan ng communication,,.. Pride lang kasi yun dati, nasaktan ako so ayaw ko sya makita and kausapin hanggat masakit pa… yun nga lang nagkalayo kami lalo..

Ngayon akala ko second chance na, hindi pala, ganon pa rin, akala ko continuation na ng fairy tale ko…. yun pala continuation lang ng pain na nararamdaman ko…

Inulit lang yun nangyari, lalo pang masakit at mas mahirap pa yun situation,…
Akala ko happy ending, yun pala para kong wicked witch, ako ang mamamatay…
Paulit ulit na lang, sana ibang Story naman, yung hindi pang fairy tale pero may happy ending naman…

O kaya sana forever na lang ako si sleeping beauty, di na magising sa pagkakatulog…. Forever!

I hope it’s as simple as this song, but feels like everyone is fooling me, feels like i’m alone and feels like no one understands me…

i can’t help it, i wanna cry till i get tired…

I DON’T WANNA CRY

Once again we sit in silence

After all is said and done

Only emptiness inside us

Baby, look what we’ve become

We can make a million promises

But we still won’t change

It isn’t right to stay together

When you only bring each other pain

Chorus:

I don’t wanna cry

Don’t wanna cry

Nothing in the world

Could take us back

To where we used to be

Though I’ve give you my heart and soul

I must find a way of letting go

‘Cause baby, I don’t wanna cry

Too far apart to bridge the distance

But something keeps us hanging on and on

Pretending not to know the difference

Denying what we had is gone

Every moment we’re together

It’s just breaking me down

I know we swore it was forever

But it hurts too much to stay around

Chorus

All the magic’s gone

There’s just a shadow of a memory

Something just went wrong

We can’t go on make-believing

I woke up at exactly 3:52am, I had a great great dream, I
wished that was true but that was a big big lie…

the dream:

We were in a Bar drinking with my friends and with our co-member of the
organization. He came late with a pretty girl with him when, I was tipsy
already, he sat beside me and talk to me casually. Then when the girl is about
to go she kissed him goodbye, so my friends were shocked with that scene… The
guy told me right away,
   
       " nung ki-niss ako ng kaibigan ko
nagulat sila lahat, e kaibigan ko lang yon, pinsan ni ate Janet."

I was so shocked that my heart jump out from my chest, it’s like a dream come
true, I became so weak when I heard that…  speechless……..

He held my hand, he kissed me as many as he can, and we hugged each other so
tight like we don’t want to let go of each other.

But behind that happiness, little by little I got back to myself and realized
that it was only a dream, I checked my phone to find out if there’s a message from him (just hoping that maybe there’s
a reason behind, maybe it’s true in some way), but I found nothing!

I’m back in this reality, there’s nothing between us,

I have to accept it as early as now, that what happened
means nothing at all…

We’re just friends!

Maybe that dream took 30 minutes total…

That, 30 minutes just made me cry and gave me more pain…

why they are expecting us to be together?
Who is he? A guy from my past, he`s the first guy I loved, first time I cried was because of him and first guy I confessed that I love… Sad to say, we lost our communication for years after that confession, i even got mad…

after let’s say 2 years of madness, we got our connection again and started to go out, then here i  am again beating the odds, you know what odd? my feelings, controlling it again, afraid to fall again then be left here hanging by a moment…

afraid to fall, cry, get hurt and be left again… as always happening to me, that`s another odd to my life… Lovelife is another one….
I have a lot of Odds in this life, and until now, i can`t understand why i`m still here in the same path of this so called lovelife… Why i’m still taking this road if its so rocky…
I know it`s a matter of acceptance, but it’s hard to accept!

I`m still in the same scenario, hanging by a moment because of him, worst about this: it`s the same guy bout 4 years ago,..
"walang kadala-dala at kasawa-sawa" is the right term, well ganon naman talaga ko, when it comes to a guy…
Parang ganito din yung dati ah, going out, non stop communication and the generous me, hehehe, but no commitment, no strings attached! I know naman na sa kanya wala lang to, we`re just friends, it`s just i hate how insensitive he is, the fact na my friends are teasing us and even announced in front of him " akala ko boyfriend mo.." kainis di ba? well ganon talaga ang life, eto ko ngayon ok lang naman, relax lang… malay mo meron din, more than that pala, and maraming marami pang lalaki dyan, hindi lang sila… i`m still happy pa naman kaya carry lang, still living the life that i want, may mga nanggugulo lang na mga walang kwentang tao,… but who cares, he`s just a useless person, e di i add nya ko ng i add sa friendster nya hanggang gusto nya  para mabasa din nya to noh, nagtagalog na ko ng konti, unusual sa mga entries ko pero mas ok na kasi may pagka bobo yon, e… wahahaha… i`m still mad, i forgave him but i will not forget what he did,.. kapal kasi ng mukha, e… nagparamdam pa, well, sabi ko nga, may karma naman, and once a womanizer always a womanizer… di na magbabago yan…
yon lang till my next entry, baka  bout him na, hahaha