the real drama queen

"You have to feel the pain, for you to see the light"

"Everything has a right time"

All these sayings keep bugging me, I`ve been with the different kinds of thought: I believed, I don`t during the problem, and I have to believe.

But, I`m still here waiting for that right time to come, to make me feel that I`m also a part of that belief. How long should I suffer before I can see that, Do I have to cry a river? Or do I have to see the blood?

They say, "Every happy moments is worth if you experienced the almost end of your life." and I have felt that I`ve been there a lot of times, but I can see nothing for me to treasure the pain.

Wait, Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!!!

How long should I wait, I`m tired and alone…

I feel so helpless sometimes, a lot of people are willing to help me, but I don`t think they are the one I need…

And I don`t know who or what I need…

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It was like a sign from God for me to confess to my family what really happened…

I can’t believe that it appears as positive and

It was a mix emotion, disappointed, because I accepted already that I will have a baby with a heartless man, who didn’t even helped me when I confess to my mom the result of PT and even not there every time my brother asking me about my plans with the baby, which gave me a great depression and confusion because I’m not really ready to be a single mother. That if I will have a baby with him, I will never ever ask for his help…

The same reason that it’s a relive when I found out that it’s just a false positive and purely hormonal imbalance…

It was a lesson learned for me, to always take care of myself… And I know that it’s also a chance for me to always walk in a right path of my life, that God gave me this second chance to be responsible and to get away from temptations…

Hope you will never do the mistakes that I’ve been…

Love your life!

Fatima

OB

detected a heartbeat but after few months, my ultrasound reveals, that the radiologist can’t see any baby…

    My day starts with a lot of cravings…

     I crave for my breakfast to fill my empty stomach, because of digestion process that happened while we were sleeping.

     My Body will crave for cold fresh water coming from the shower and crave for the loofah to scrub my white skin.

     My teeth crave for the fresh and clean feeling of brushing.

     I crave for my moisturizers, lotion and make up that keep me look gorgeous and fabulous.

     I crave for my comfortable outfit that will give me confident moves.

     I crave for a ride going to other places.

     I crave for something to do in the office that will keep me busy the whole day.

     I crave for a rest, after a long day of work and crave to go home early.

     I crave for a show to watch that will entertain me and forget about other things when I come home.

     Then, its night, its time to go to bed, lying awake I’m still craving, for someone, or for love?

     For someone; to be mine, to comeback, to be found or to be loved by whomever of that someone. I’m craving for happiness and endless promises. Can I get that from someone I loved so much, that I’m waiting to be mine? Even he doesn’t have a heart to love me. Can I get that from someone I loved and loved me? Though he left me all alone and drying. Can I get that from someone I can meet somewhere? When and where we will meet?

     A whole day of cravings for things is easier than a night full of unreachable dreams.

     Like a breakfast, you have to fill your empty heart after someone broke it. Like water that flows from shower, you need everlasting words of promises. Like make up, you need someone who can brighten your day and keep you pretty. Like an outfit, you need someone to keep you confident in everything you do. Like working, you need someone to keep you busy and like a rest, you need someone to stop your world every time he looks in your eyes.

     Night is really different, all your cravings for the whole day is with you in your bed. You will crave for him, cry, despair and loneliness. Until you crave for a sleep, you will crave even in your dreams.

     And new cravings will be there tomorrow.

        Heartache, is the hardest and biggest part of my life, coz love is the only world that I used to believe that I have…

     There’s nothing more I could ask for if I found my soul mate coz of happiness from that is the only thing that I want; nothing compares to the pain if he breaks your heart; and no one can take away the feeling of love but a new one…

     But the day that he left me was so impossible, though I cried and depressed, I accepted the fact. I realized that I have to move on and accept it, that the best thing,

Not the way that I used to…

   “Two (2) years ago, I locked myself inside my room; I was crying, shouting, cursing, hitting myself and trying to kill my body and the pain; writing and sketching my nightmare of awakens and expressing the pain visibly.; listening to anti-Christ songs, that will let me forget everything; keep questioning God and destiny why was that kind of pain is happening, why don’t them let me be happy. Even self-pity accompany me, I hated myself and my life…

     I even fought with my friends, I thought they can’t understand me, so they hated me and call me a brat. I did not care, I thought I don’t need friends; I can live without them…    

     I can’t sleep; I used to depend to sleeping medicine to get a sleep and to forget the world for a while…

      But every time I woke up, it’s still the same; I still have the pains that keeping me hating the world. No one was with me, even family, they don’t understand me, they just want to see what they want me to see. I HATE THEM ALL! I want to die; I want to go somewhere where no one is around; I want to end this all! …”

      I was left alone for 3 months found new places and faces. But they are not worth to be called friends, even to be my family. Honestly, no one can replace the old ones. I found out that they are still my friends no matter what, I missed them so much. That was our Christmas party when we meet all together and we say sorry and hug each other. I felt good to be back to my family, my friends.

     I’m so happy that all that damn thinking is over, though there’s still a point or moment in my life that I still thinking about that kind of solution at least I’m overcoming that for a moment. I can’t say that I’m already contented and perfectly happy but I’m definitely appreciating everything that’s happening to me as part of God’s test and obstacles for my success. In God’s time everything will be on the right place, IN GOD`S TIME!

sometimes you have to feel pain for you to appreciate what you had and still have…

3 months is just a short time but believe me or not, it taught me to be strong and to live my life being contented with the people that can really appreciate me and can give me a genuine love.

3 months: thoughts about love, about him and about the future that we want to have, like living in a fairy tale, right?( but it can really happen, for some people that found their someone )… Selfishness, all the things that you want is for the two of you…

until… one day our story showed its ending… leaving me with my dreams, to remain dreams forever…

first thing I felt? nothing! I cant feel anything, until everything sinked on my mind. "Yeaah! ITs Over and DOne", the only words in my head… I cried felt alone and Fooled,.. then questions kept me thinking, "Does he loved me?, did he mean everything that he said to me?," ahhh, ofcourse not! how did he fool me if he loved me, … wow, what an expert?, how he did that to a family that trusted him so much?… I can`t believe that someone can really do that (like in a movie)…

I looked for the bible so I can forgive him for what he did at that moment of time, all i pray? " please forgive him, Im not expecting or asking him to come back to me, but please dont let him hurt people again, and make him realize that we have to give true love and dont let him fool again"

ahhh, i felt better after…

God is so powerful, even with just a prayer, it helps…

though im not that really over with him, atleast, im OK!

And sooner or later all the pain will gone,.. I will never forget him but I will forget the pain that first love gave me…

Atleast I learned and ready to find someone better or best…

Mmm...mmm...

I don’t wanna be a fool, I don’t wanna be a fool for love

No, no, I won’t, no

Hey, no, ooh...

I know that people do go through changes, yeah

But this just don’t make no damn sense

If we’re gonna keep sayin’ we love one another, yeah, yeah

Well, then we better stop fightin’ and arguin’

‘Cause baby, I’ve heard “I’m sorry” too many, many times before

Now I know better

It hurts to hold on to this kind of love even more

No, I’m not crazy

I won’t be a fool, a fool for love

‘Cause I know I’d rather be alone than be here unhappy

I’m not gonna choose, choose for you

‘Cause I know I’d rather be alone than be here unhappy

I know it’s time to go when I feel lonely

When I’m layin’ in your arms and it don’t feel right, oh

‘Cause every time I feelin’ up you try to bring me down

So I feel good knowin’ I don’t need you around

‘Cause I know, I know that I can feel this bad all by myself, hoo, yeah

And maybe that’s my best bet

Startin’ this time I’m gonna think selfishly

And never depend on someone else for keepin’ me happy, oh, no, no

I won’t be a fool, a fool for love

‘Cause I know I’d rather be alone than be here unhappy, oh, no

I’m not gonna choose, choose for you

‘Cause I know I’d rather be alone than be here unhappy, oh...

I-I-I-I won’t be a fool, a fool for love

‘Cause I know I’d rather be alone than be here unhappy

I’m not gonna choose, choose for you

‘Cause I know I’d rather be alone than be here unhappy, ooh, yeah

I’m never gonna be a fool for love

I’d rather be alone, just give it up

Don’t make no sense to be in love

And be here unhappy, oh, no

It might feel good on a lonely night

But layin’ in your arms today ain’t right

I’d rather lose you than lose my mind

And be here unhappy with you, baby

Ho...no, no, no, no, no, no

I don’t wanna be a fool, no, no, no

The song that is perfect to sing for me…

Your face is beaming
You say it’s ‘cause you’re dreaming
Of how good it’s going to be
You say you’ve been around
And now you’ve finally found
Everything you wanted and needed in me

I don’t have the heart to hurt you
It’s the last thing I want to do
But I don’t have the heart to love you
Not the way you want me to

Inside I’m dying
To see you crying
How can I make you understand
I care about you
So much about you, baby
I’m trying to say this as gently as I can

‘Cause I don’t have the heart to hurt you
It’s the last thing I want to do
But I don’t have the heart to love you
Not the way you want me to

You’re so trusting and open
Hoping that love will start
But I don’t have the heart, oh, no
I don’t have the heart

I don’t have the heart to hurt you
It’s the last thing I want to do
But I don’t have the heart to love you
Not the way THAT you want me to

I don’t have the heart (Ooh…)
(Baby, I don’t have the heart, I don’t have the heart)
I don’t have the heart (Ooh…)
(Baby, I don’t have)

I don’t have the heart
I don’t have the heart
I don’t have the heart…

Marilyn Manson Rules!!!

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